what should i do now

I used to start my year having sex no matter what time so that way i could feel like i would have a great year full of it !!!! but this year sadly i have not had any (at list not with another person only by my self ( well the body does have necessities LOL . I do have a living boyfriend , that i can not understand any more before Xmas he sleep in the couch for 2 weeks , now he is back in the bed but does not speak or touch or anything anymore is it ??? i am no longer sexy to him? does he do not care any more ? i do not want to ask? he looks sad all the time ?? but last time i ask he cut my head off !!! so no more i wont ask !! the next question is do i really care ??? I guess i do but only because i have a man in my bed and not able to used him = ( plus how can we have gone this far man i hate this i always wanted to be in love with some one and i can not find him !!! but this time i refuse to look and look if it is some were he will come to me i guess !!! i just miss so much to touch someone. kiss/ hug / feel each other and just make love !!! OH GOD make loveeeeeee its been soo long that i think i am forgetting (yea right but to be honest i am not sure this man will stay here for only a couple months more and then i guess he will move on..... not sure any more but in the good things is my daugther is doing better and if she keeps this up i can go back to work so when he leaves i will be ready i hope, still no insurance to take care of my arm sucks but why complain i am seen the devastation on the earthquake like i saw with my own eyes when i was only 8 years old God that brings me so many memories especially how we sleep on the streets for months it was cold and hard but we made it. we did see dead on the streets this is going to take along time you know its funny but i have notice every year in January something happens that shakes the hole world last year a tsunami this year this hmmmm What are u trying to tell us God ??????

what to do now

YouTube - Foreigner-I Want to Know What Love Is
The other day we went to a friends house (our ex husbands are friends so we used to hand around when the kids were small, any way we were watching a video of xmas in 94 and 95 !!!! man about 15 years ago and how we used to be closed and we were a family an actually family and made me so sad !!! because all of that is gone and how easy can get away from you .. Many man unfortunately do not appreciate that while they have it ... its funny my ex calls me asking me what we did to each other when we were together because now he has it worse with his new woman and he is just tire of everything just like i am of my relationship he is everything i never wanted on a man (too bad the sex was good while it lasted ) its been a week since he moved to the couch (to make me suffer (ha please i can be in my bed and sleep so good i do not miss him at all . I do miss having someone to love me and to talk to i spend 24/7 with my daughter and i need another adult to talk to or just for company !!! i cut my hair last week i actually cut 9 inches of my hair to start the new year and new life i am going to start working out but my feet its killing me and the freaky insurance its not going true its so sad to work for SO many years and paid your taxes now that i need this freaking government i can even get insurance wow its just bad

!!!!! OK i can not get depress things are getting better day by day with steph my daughter and maybe i can go back to work soon but there is so much to do still with her !!! OK i need to start going swimming or something to keep my head straight and no depression in this house i need to clean this house get rid of everything i do not need, give it away and move on including my man !!! Its funny when we were teens we wanted to be adults so bad so we could drink, do anything with out anyone telling us what to do !!! now we want to go back being kids but with what we know it would be so wonderful !!! imagine to have the knowledge to know what to do and been only maybe 20 !!!! oh yea and lets not forget ladies our sexuality would be so wonderful but that is only a dream and dreams are free so lets do it just dream on !!!!!!

Well its January 1 2010, last year was totally the worst of my life starting on October 2008 when i had to take care of my mom, she was in her last days all the way to DEC 5 when i lost her . Even do we were not very closed her last days we finally connected and i understand how much she loved me. but 2008 took my mom, her sister (tia Marta and Tono her son ) unfortunately 2009 had other plans for us 2 months later took her other sister Tia licha the one that raise me and she died calling me which makes me feel worse because i could not be there , i stop long time writing to her and calling her because i did not wanted her to know how much i was suffering so she died believing i did not love her and very worry about me ! in march my little girl (15 started to get sick we found out she was having kidney failure which in that moment i did not realize how my life was about to change 2 weeks later she had a stroke and almost died .. in all of this she saw my mom and my aunt so i knew they were with us. its been almost a year of not working, struggles no money and just live day by day my son who drives me crazy he has scrizophenia wont stop asking for money for drugs and keep on selling everything he could including my daughter lap top, I pod, and all of my jewelry i was too busy to notice how much he was taking and to put a cherry on my sundae my boyfriend cheated on me thank god this year its over